I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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