i think i have two assholes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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