Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Still dying that you shit outside
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
