I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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