I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
