You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
