An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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