totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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