just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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