i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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