his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
