you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
