I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
