In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
