I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
