My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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