He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
