If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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