i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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