I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize