i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
