My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
