I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
