I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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