Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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