Come see our sink grown plant.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
