You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
