I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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