Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
