question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have fence marks all over my body
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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