and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
