He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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