I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think pants incapable of making pants work
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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