Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just threw up on my dentist
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
