I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
