Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ketchup is God's man juice
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize