I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
