my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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