Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
