The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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