oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
