The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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