What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
