I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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