well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
