Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
