All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
