I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
