I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
