Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
