he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
be right there i have to get my cape
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
