I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
