When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
