Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
