I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
