Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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