Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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