yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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